Online Therapy for Parents
Confidential support for parents
Why is parenting so hard?
Historically, when a new child entered the world, parents had a 4:1 ratio for assistance, meaning there were four adults helping with every newborn. Fast forward to today. For most parents, they are on their own little island, white knuckling their way through parenthood. Even though we live in a time where we are more connected than ever (e.g., phones and internet), we are more distant from our support system and disconnected from our communities than any other time in history.
Modern day parenting is hard because:
We lack the proverbial "village to raise a child.” Many children have moved away from their support system.
We have our own “emotional baggage” we bring into the parent-child relationship
There’s no “clocking out” from being a parent
You often have to put the needs of your child before your own
It can be monotonous (the kid needs the same routine every day)
Conflicting information - there are so many parenting approaches out there
Loss of identity and autonomy
Why does motherhood feel so hard?
Not to deep dive into history too much. But, the industrial revolution changed the way we worked, how many hours our ancestors worked, and time off. Much of this shifted how families worked and parented. With the shift from working in the fields to working in factories, more pressure was usually placed on the mother to engage in unpaid labor in the home, thereby allowing her spouse to work 40+ hours a week uninterrupted. The gender divide was always there, but the industrial revolution emboldened the division of labor; because, fathers were away from the home for 40+ hours a week.
Fast forward to today, the modern day corporate America workday is rooted in having a partner at home engaging in 40+ hours of unpaid labor. Yet, most households require two working parents. The system isn’t designed for working moms.
Motherhood feels hard because:
The average mother inherits 20-40 unpaid hours of work following the birth of their first child.
Mothers spend 3-4 hours per day breastfeeding/pumping.
Mothers are often primarily responsible for the unpaid domestic work of the home.
Mothers are usually responsible for the mental load of planning and executing tasks.
School days end at 3pm and work ends at 5pm
The list could go on-and-on. In summary, Mothers often are primarily responsible for caring for the children AND are trying to manage a part to full time career. This results in feelings of burnout, exhaustion, and impacts their relationship with their spouse and children.
Why does fatherhood feel so hard?
Fatherhood can often feel difficult in different ways. With the birth of the first child, men often engage in an additional 5 hours of paid labor per week, with an average work week increasing from 40 to 45-hours-per week. This means less direct time to spend with your child for bonding.
Fatherhood is difficult because
Employers are less understanding of taking paid-time off for childcare needs
A shift in identity - it’s no longer just you and your partner
Loss of freedom - you have less time to engage in hobbies and spend with friends
You’re asked to carry an emotional load you’ve never trained for (how the heck do I help my dysregulated child)
Pressure to be the provider, resulting in less time with your kids
Shift in your relationship
Invisible loneliness - women can easily job a mom’s group but there are fewer places for dads to join for support
It brings up things from your own childhood
Fatherhood is hard because it matters to you.
Let’s make things even more complicated…
Once you have a kid, you have to somehow keep this kiddo alive and raise them to be a good human. It is a lot of work!
As our child starts to age, we will see a natural personality start to emerge. In clinical terms, we call this a temperament. Some kiddos are what I call "dandelion kids.” They are strong, resilient, and can easily adapt to any environment. Whereas, other children are “orchid kids.” If you’re not a plant expert, please let me tell you a little bit about orchids. Orchids are very temperamental plants. Orchids are beautiful plants, but it is up to the gardener to keep them alive. “Orchid kids” are wonderful kiddos, but they can take a little more work parenting. It can be problematic if you’re trying to parent your “orchid child” like a “dandelion kid.” In clinical terms, we call this goodness-of-fit.
What is Goodness-of-Fit in parenting?
In plain language, all children are born with a basic temperament, with some kiddos having a slower-to-warm up style and others are more outgoing. If you have a parent with a similar temperament or is understanding of their child’s temperament, there is less conflict in the parent-child dynamic. Continuing with the aforementioned metaphor, if you were an “orchid kid” then you’ll likely be more understanding of your child’s slow-to-warm up style and can more intuitively help them navigate life’s challenges. If you were a “dandelion kid,” you’ll likely try to parent your “orchid child” in the ways that felt useful to you. That’s where friction in the parent-child- dyad can come in.
How Can Counseling for Parents Help?
Being a parent is tough. We all enter parenthood with our own preconceived ideas of how we are going to do the job of parenting. We also have our own baggage from our childhood. And our kids, God love them, they just know how to push our buttons.
Talking with a therapist can help in the following ways:
Helps identify “blind spots”
Helps find ways to better align with our kids (e.g., goodness-of-fit)
It can encourage us to build our community
Identify our values and value congruent action
Find practical solutions to our problems
Identify and learn new ways to parent
Provide an outlet for emotional support
What are signs that you need therapy as a parent?
You feel constantly overwhelmed and burned out
You find yourself feeling irritable and are yelling and snapping more than you’d like
You constantly worry about your child’s future
Feeling numb or without job
Feeling triggered
Struggling with guilt and shame
Feeling isolated
Feel stuck
What is evidence based treatment for parents?
-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
-Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
-Mindfulness
-Parent Management Therapy
How to pick a therapist?
When picking a therapist, you want someone who has a shared lived experience and the clinical training to help you navigate your concerns.
In my personal life, I’ve been:
A stay-at-home mom
A working mom
A parent to an “orchid child.”
I get the challenges of navigating motherhood, working life, and parenting tiny humans.
In my professional life:
I have over a decade of clinical experience
I’m a fully licensed and practice psychology in North Carolina
I spent 3 years working in a Child Study Center under the guidance of Dr. Thomas Ollendick (a psychologist who has received the lifetime achievement award for his work in child psychology. )
While working at the Child Study Center, I worked with both parents and children, helping them bridge the parent-child divide and learn tools to better manage childhood anxiety.
At Tranquil Talk Therapy, I regularly work with parents who are struggling with parenthood and are learning to navigate their new normal. Our work may focus on navigating the challenges, identifying old parenting patterns, learning new parenting tools, and becoming the parent you desire.
I get it. Being a parent is hard work and even harder if you aspire to raise your kiddo to be a good human.
If you feel like you need:
Additional Support
Identify bad parenting cycles and ways to change
Struggle with redistributing the unpaid household labor with your spouse
Need help learning new parenting skills
Reach out today to schedule a consultation and take the first step towards becoming the parent you want to be.